Long Jokes in English

The Queen and Princess Anne are out for a drive in one of the Queen’s Range Rovers. Suddenly some armed robbers leap out of the bushes and stop the car.
«Give us the money», they shout at the Queen.
«But I’m the Queen of England, I have no need for money.»
«Oh, shit», says the leader of the armed band, and turns to Anne. «Give us yer jewels.»
«But I don’t wear my jewels all the time, only on state occasions.»
The armed robbers look fed up, when suddenly they hear the sound of wailing sirens approaching. «Quick, out of the car! We’ll have the Range Rover at least,» and with that the robbers drive off. As the Queen and Anne are waiting for the Police to get there, Anne turns to the Queen, «What did you do with all the cash you had? You’re always loaded.»
«Ah,» says the Queen, «I saw the robbers and in the few seconds before they got to the car I rolled up my notes and tucked them into that little place that only women have.»
Reaching under her skirt, she produces several thousand pounds in notes. «And what did you do with your jewels? You always wear lots of  jewellery, my dear.» The Queen says to Anne.
«Well, like you, in those few seconds before the robbers got to the car, I slipped off my rings, necklaces and tiara, and like you, slipped them into that little place that only women have.» Reaching down she plucks out her jewellery.
They both sit quietly for a few minutes, before the Queen turns to Anne «You know, if Fergie had been with us, we could still have the Range Rover.»

***

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and says, «It’s illegal to put five people in a Quattro.»

«What do you mean it’s illegal?» asked the Englishmen.
«Quattro means ‘four’,» replies the Italian official.
«Quattro is just the name of the automobile,» the Englishmen retort disbelievingly. «Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons.»
«You can’t pull that one on me,» replies the Italian customs agent. «Quattro means ‘four’. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.»
The Englishmen reply angrily, «You idiot! Call your supervisor over — we want to speak to someone with more intelligence!»
«Sorry,» responds the Italian official, «he can’t come. He’s busy with two guys in a Fiat Uno.»

***

A woman has a close male friend. This means that he is probably interested in her, which is why he hangs around so much. She sees him strictly as a friend. This always starts out with, you’re a great guy, but I don’t like you in that way.
This is roughly the equivalent for the guy of going to a job interview and the company saying, You have a great resume, you have all the qualifications we are looking for, but we’re not going to hire you. We will, however, use your resume as the basis for comparison for all other applicants. But, we’re going to hire somebody who is far less qualified and is probably an alcoholic. And if he doesn’t work out, we’ll hire somebody else, but still not you. In fact, we will never hire you. But we will call you from time to time to complain about the person that we hired.

***

Two friends were walking through the desert. During some point of the journey, they had an argument, and one friend slapped the other one in the face. The one who got slapped was hurt, but without saying anything, he wrote in the sand: Today my best friend slapped me in the face.
They kept on walking, until they found an oasis, where they decided to take a bath. The one who had been slapped got stuck in the mire and started drowning, but his friend saved him. After he recovered from the near drowning, he wrote on a stone: Today my best friend saved my life.
The friend, who had slapped and saved his best friend, asked him, «After I hurt you, you wrote in the sand, and now, you write on a stone, why?»
The other friend replied: «When someone hurts us, we should write it down in sand, where the winds of forgiveness can erase it away, but when someone does something good for us, we must engrave it in stone where no wind can ever erase it. Learn to write your hurts in the sand and to carve your blessings in stone.

***

A man walks into the street and manages to get a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, «Perfect timing. You’re just like Moishe.»
Passenger: «Who?»
Cabbie: «Moishe Glickman. There’s a guy who did everything right. Like my coming along when you needed a cab. It would have happened like that to Moishe every single time.»
Passenger: «There are always a few clouds over everybody.»
Cabbie: «Not Moishe. He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro-tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano.»
Passenger: «Sounds like he was something, huh?»
Cabbie: «He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out.»
Passenger. «Wow, some guy ehh?
Cabbie: «He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams, not like me, I always seem to get into them»
Passenger: » Mmm, not many like that around.»
Cabbie: «And he knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good and never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too.»
Passenger: «An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?»
Cabbie: «Well, I never actually met Moishe.»
Passenger: «Then how do you know so much about him?»
Cabbie: «I married his widow.»

***

A pregnant woman gets in a car accident and falls into a deep coma.
Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replies, «Ma’am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them.»
The woman thinks to herself, «Oh no, not my brother… he’s an idiot!» Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, «Well, what’s the girl’s name?»
«Denise,» the doctor says.
The new mother thinks, «Wow, that’s not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!» Then she asks the doctor, «What’s the boy’s name?»
The doctor replies, «Denephew.»

***

A man and his wife were driving through the Welsh countryside when they came across a road sign which read Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch.

The husband says the name and his wife laughs. «That’s not how you pronounce it,» she says and proceeds to say it herself. Her husband nearly crashes the car laughing, and they start debating how to pronounce the name.

Well the debate soon becomes an argument and coming up to lunch time they pull into a restaurant in the town whose name is the subject of the argument. As they’re settling their bill, the wife says to the cashier, «Excuse me, but would you mind settling an argument between my husband and me? Could you possibly pronounce the name of where we are, only please do it very very slowly.»

The cashier leans forward and says,
«Buuuuurrrrrrgggggeeeeeerrrrrr Kiiiiinnnnnggggg.»

***

Adam was hanging around the garden of  Eden feeling very lonely. So God asked him, «What’s wrong with you?»
Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to.
God said that He was going to make Adam a companion and that it would be a woman.
He said, «This person will gather food for you, cook for you, and when you discover clothing, she will wash it for you. She will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache and will freely give you love and passion whenever you need it.»
Adam asked God, «What will a woman like this cost?»
God replied, «An arm and a leg.»
Then Adam asked, «What can I get for a rib?»
The rest is history…

***

A woman found herself standing at the Pearly Gates.
St. Peter greeted her and said, «These are the Gates to Heaven, my dear. But you must do one more thing before you can enter.»
The woman was very excited, and asked of St. Peter what she must do.
«Spell a word,» St. Peter replied.
«What word?» she asked.
«Any word,» answered St. Peter. «It’s your choice.»
The woman promptly replied, «Then the word I will spell is love. L-O-V-E.»
St. Peter welcomed her in, and asked her if she would mind taking his place at the gates for a few minutes while he took a break.
So the woman is left sitting in St. Peter’s chair when a man approaches the gates, and she realizes it is her husband.
«What happened?» she cried, «Why are you here?»
Her husband stared at her for a moment, then said, «I was so upset when I left your funeral, I got in an accident. Did I really make it to Heaven?»
«Not yet,» she replied, «You must spell a word first.»
«What word?» he asked.
The woman responded, «Czechoslovakia.»

***

Two rich ladies were sharing a taxi and talking about the high cost of going anywhere by taxi. One of the ladies said, «Taxis are terribly expensive these days. The owners get a lot of money for nothing.»
«Yes», said the other lady, «and the drivers get such big tips that they soon become rich. They ought to be ashamed of themselves.»
One of the ladies was smoking a cigarette. After a minute or two she said to the other lady, «Can you see an ashtray in this taxi? There isn’t one on my side.»
«No», said the other, «there isn’t one on this side either. Driver! Where is the ashtray in this taxi? Why haven’t you got one?»
The driver, who had heard everything the ladies had said, answered, «Oh, just drop the ashes on the carpet — I have a servant who comes in and cleans three days a week!»

***

In the days when you couldn’t count on a public toilet facility, an English woman was planning a trip to India. She was registered to stay in a small guest house owned by the local Schoolmaster.
She was concerned as to whether the guest house contained a WC.
In England, a bathroom is commonly called a WC which stands for ‘Water Closet’.
She wrote to the schoolmaster inquiring of the facilities about the WC.

The schoolmaster, not fluent in English, asked the local priest if he knew the meaning of WC. Together they pondered possible meanings of the letters and concluded that the lady wanted to know if there was a ‘Wayside Church’ near the house… a bathroom never entered their minds.
So the schoolmaster wrote the following reply:


Dear Madam,
I take great pleasure in informing you that the WC is located 9 miles from the house.
It is located in the middle of a grove of pine trees, surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and is open on Sundays and Thursdays.
As there are many people expected in the summer months, I suggest you arrive early. There is, however, plenty of standing room.
This is an unfortunate situation especially if you are in the habit of going regularly.
It may be of some interest to you that my daughter was married in the WC, as it was there, that she met her husband. It was a wonderful event. There were 10 people in every seat. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces. We can take photos in different angle.
My wife, sadly, has been ill and unable to go recently. It has been almost a year since she went last, which pains her greatly.
You will be pleased to know that many people bring their lunch and make a day of it. Others prefer to wait till the last minute and arrive just in time. I would recommend your ladyship plan to go on a Thursday as there is an organ accompaniment. The acoustics are excellent and even the most delicate sounds can be heard everywhere.
The newest addition is a bell which rings every time a person enters. We are holding a bazaar to provide plush seats for all, since many feel it is long needed.
I look forward to escorting you there myself and seating you in a place where you can be seen by all.
With deepest regards,
The Schoolmaster

The Woman fainted reading the reply… and she never visited India!!!

***

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
«Not yet,» said the little boy. His mother tells him he can’t have any breakfast until he does his chores.
Well, so he goes to feed the chickens, and kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
«How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have milk in my cereal?» he asks.
«Well,» his mother says, «I saw you kick the chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon, for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so, for a week you aren’t getting any milk.»
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the pussycat as he’s walking into the kitchen.
The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says:
«Are you going to tell him, or should I?»

***

Three rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.
As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, «Well, damn, someone should go and tell his wife.»
Donnie says, «OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.»
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, «Where did you get that beer, Donnie?»
«Cooter’s wife gave it to me,» Ronnie replies.
«That’s unbelievable. You told her husband was dead and she gave you beer?»
«Well, not exactly», Donnie says. «When she answered the door, I said to her, «you must be Cooter’s widow?»
She said, «You must be mistaken. I’m not a widow.»
Then I said, «I’ll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.»
Rednecks are really good at sensitive stuff.

***

Jack and Jill were on their way home from the bar one night and Jack got pulled over by the police. The officer told Jack that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out.
Jack said, «I’m very sorry officer, I didn’t realize it was out, I’ll get it fixed right away.»
Just then Jill said, «I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed.»
So the officer asked for Jack’s license and after looking at it said, «Sir your license has expired.»
Again Jack apologized and mentioned that he didn’t realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jill said, «I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired.»
By this time Jack is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer and he said in a rather loud voice, «Jill, what a fuck?! Will you SHUT UP!!!»
The officer then leaned over toward Jill and asked. «Does your husband always talk to you like that?»
Jill replied, «No, sir. Not always. Only when he’s drunk.»

***

You may never have realized it, but in the long run we have nothing to worry about.
Let me explain…
During the long, boring cycle of life, you only have two things of consequence to really worry about — being well or being sick.
If you are well, there’s nothing to worry about. If you are sick, there are two things to worry about — getting better or getting worse.
If you get better, you have nothing to worry about. If you get worse, you have only two things to worry about — living or dying.
If you live, you have nothing to worry about. If you die, there are only two things you have to worry about — going to heaven or going to hell.
If you go to heaven, you have nothing to worry about.
If you go to hell, you’ll be so busy shaking hands with old friends that you’ll have nothing to worry about.
So, you see, in the long run no one has anything to worry about!

***

A philosopher once had the following dream.
First Aristotle appeared, and the philosopher said to him, «Could you give me a fifteen-minute sketch of your entire philosophy?»
To the philosopher’s surprise, Aristotle gave him an excellent exposition in which he compressed an enormous amount of material into a mere fifteen minutes.
But then the philosopher raised a certain objection which Aristotle couldn’t answer. Confounded, Aristotle disappeared.
Then Plato appeared. The same thing happened again, and the philosophers’ objection to Plato was the same as his objection to Aristotle. Plato also couldn’t answer it and disappeared.
Then our philosopher said to himself, «I know I’m asleep and dreaming all this. Yet I’ve found a universal refutation for all philosophical systems! Tomorrow when I wake up, I will probably have forgotten it, and the world will really miss something!»
With an iron effort, the philosopher forced himself to wake up, rush over to his desk, and write down his universal refutation. Then he jumped back into bed with a sigh of relief.
The next morning when he awoke, he went over to the desk to see what he had written.
It was, «That’s what you say.»

***

Two brothers had terrorized a small town since childhood. When one brother died, the surviving brother offered the pastor an enormous sum of money if he would praise the deceased as a saint at his funeral. The pastor refused and mysteriously disappeared.
Two days later, a pastor from a nearby town showed up for the funeral, called by the local church to officiate. He too was cornered by the town thug. «Just tell everyone what a saint my brother was,» he growled, «and you’ll have more money than you know what to do with.»
The pastor considered for a moment, then pocketed a wad of bills. The funeral was packed, since few dared to be absent, and the service proceeded in routine fashion until the pastor stood to deliver the eulogy.
«This man,» the pastor said, gesturing toward the casket, «was a bully, a thief and a coward. But compared to his brother, he was a saint!»

***

One day, the Pope is visiting America and driving around Washington in his limo when he gets an idea.
«Driver, can I drive for a while?»
«Sure,» says the driver.
How can you say ‘no’ to the Pope?
So the Pope takes the wheel and starts driving like a maniac all around Washington — dodging in and out of traffic, going eighty, cutting people off.
Soon a cop pulls him over. But when the Pope rolls down the window, the cop stops dead in his tracks, and goes back to the car.
«We got somebody really important here,» he says to his partner.
«Who is it? Is it a senator?»
«No. More important.»
«The president?»
«No. More important.»
«An ambassador? Who?»
«I don’t know. But the Pope is his driver.»

***

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the EU rather than German.
As part of the negotiations, Her Majesty’s government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phase-in plan that would be known as «EuroEnglish».

In the first year, «s» will replace the soft «c».
Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard «c» will be dropped in favor of the «k».
This should klear up konfusion and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome «ph» will be replased with the «f.» This will make words like «fotograf» 20% shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of the silent «e» in the language is disgraseful and they should go away.

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing «th» with «z» and «w» with «v».

During ze fivez year, ze unesesary «o» kan be dropd from vords kontaining «ou» and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fivz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.
ZE DREM VIL FINALI KUM TRU!!!
AND ZEN VE VIL TAK AL OVER ZE VORLD!!!

***

A count who was the leader of a rebel movement was thrown into prison. The king confronted him and demanded to know the names of the other rebels. The count refused to reveal their identities — even under torture.
«Behead him!» the king ordered vehemently. The count was dragged to the place of execution.
«If you tell me the names I want, I will spare you,» the king said.
Still the count shook his head and refused to talk.
As the count’s head was positioned under the blade, the king warned, «This is your last chance!»
The rebel remained silent.
«Go ahead,» the king ordered. The executioner made his move.
At that moment, the count’s nerve broke. «Wait! Wait! I’ll tell you…»
But it was too late. The ax had done its work.
Furious, the king turned to the executioner. «How often have I told you,» he yelled, «not to hatchet your counts before they chicken?»

***

Once upon a time there was a snake named Nate who lived in the desert guarding a lever which, if pulled, would split the earth in two.
Then one hot summer day, a man was speeding down the highway in his car when Nate happened to be sunning himself on the usually deserted road just a few feet away from the lever.
The speeding man saw Nate and the lever at nearly the same time. Unable to swerve out of the way entirely, the driver had to make a decision as to which he would run over — Nate the snake or the lever that would cut the world in two.
Well, I’m sorry to say, Nate is no longer with us. But, if you’re sad, just remember what that driver thought to himself at the last moment — better Nate than lever!

***

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metaldoor and handed him a gun.
«We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!!»
The man said, «You can’t be serious, I could never shoot my wife.»
The agent answered, «Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.»
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, «I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.»
The agent said, «You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.»
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions — to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow.
«This gun was loaded with blanks» she said. «I had to beat him to death with the chair.»

***

A pastor wanted to raise money for his church and, on being told there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to buy one and enter it in the races.
However, at the local auction, the going price for a horse was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He thought that since he had it he might as well go ahead and entered it in the race and, much to his surprise, the donkey came in third.
The next day the local paper carried this headline:
PASTOR’S ASS SHOWS
The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The local paper read:
PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.
The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day:
NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN
The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for ten dollars.
The next day, the paper read:
NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10
This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.
Headlines read:
NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE
The Bishop was buried the next day.

***

There was a young couple very much in love. On the night before they were to be married, both were killed in an automobile accident.
They found themselves at the pearly gates of heaven being escorted in by St. Peter.
After a couple of weeks in heaven, the prospective groom took St. Peter aside and said, «St. Peter, my fiancee and I are very happy to be in heaven, but we miss very much the opportunity to have our wedding vows celebrated. Is it possible for people in heaven to get married?»
St. Peter looked at him and said, «I’m sorry, I’ve never heard of anyone in heaven wanting to get married. I’m afraid you’ll have to talk to the Lord God Almighty about that. I can get you an appointment in two weeks from Wednesday.»
Come the appointed day, the couple was escorted by the guardian angels into the presence of the Lord God Almighty, where they repeated the request.
The Lord looked at them solemnly and said, «I tell you what; wait a year and if you still want to get married, come back and we will talk about it again.»
A year went by and the couple, still very much wanting to get married, came back.
Again, the Lord God Almighty said, «I’m sorry to disappoint you, but you must wait another year, and then I will consider your request.»
This happened year after year, for ten years. Each time they reasserted their yearning to be married; each time God put them off for another year.
In the tenth year, they came before they Lord God Almighty to ask again.
This time the Lord answered, «Yes, you may marry! This Saturday at 2:00 p.m. We will have a beautiful ceremony in the main chapel. The reception will be on me!»
The wedding went off without a hitch. The bride looked beautiful. All of heaven’s denizens attended, and a good time was had by all.
Tragically, but perhaps inevitably, within a few weeks, the newlyweds realized that they had made a horrible mistake. They simply couldn’t stay married to one another. So they made another appointment to see the Lord God Almighty.
Groveling and frightened, they asked if they could get a divorce.
The Lord heard their request, looked at them, and said, «Look, it took us TEN YEARS to find a priest up here in heaven. Do you have any idea how long it’ll take us to find a lawyer?»

***

A man in his 40’s bought a new BMW and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up.
As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights behind him. «There’s no way they can catch a BMW,» he thought to himself and opened her up further.
The needle hit 90, 100…. Then the reality of the situation hit him. «What the hell am I doing?» he thought and pulled over.
The cop came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car.
«It’s been a long day, this is the end of my shift and it’s Friday the 13th. I don’t feel like more paperwork, so if you can give me an excuse for your driving that I haven’t heard before, you can go.»
The guy thinks for a second and says, «Last week my wife ran off with a cop. I was afraid you were trying to give her back.»
«Have a nice weekend,» said the officer.

***

A farmer was sitting in the neighborhood bar getting drunk.
A man came in and asked the farmer, «Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day, getting drunk?»
The farmer shook his head and replied, «Some things you just can’t explain.»
«So what happened that’s so horrible?» the man asked as he sat down next to the farmer.
«Well,» the farmer said, «today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket full, she lifted her left leg and kicked over the bucket.»
«Okay,» said the man, «but that’s not so bad.»
«Some things you just can’t explain,» the farmer replied.
«So what happened then?» the man asked.
The farmer said, «I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.»
«And then?»
«Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket full, she took her right leg and kicked over the bucket.»
The man laughed and said, «Again?»
The farmer replied, «Some things you just can’t explain.»
«So, what did you do then?» the man asked.
«I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the right.»
«And then?»
«Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I got the bucket full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.»
«Hmmm,» the man said and nodded his head.
«Some things you just can’t explain,» the farmer said. «So, what did you do?» the man asked.
«Well,» the farmer said, «I didn’t have anymore rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in … Some things you just can’t explain.»

***

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender says to him, «You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.»
The Irishman replies, «Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days we all drank together.»
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, «I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.»
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a lights dawns in his eye and he laughs. «Oh, no,» he says, «everyone is fine. I’ve just quit drinking!»

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+ семьдесят восемь = 82