English jokes

girl_reading_in_chair_hg_wht

The groom

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding* down Main Street.

«But, officer,» the man began, «I can explain».
«Just be quiet,» snapped the officer.
«I’m going to let you cool your heels* in jail until the chief gets back.»

«But, officer, I just wanted to say…»
«And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!»

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said,
«Lucky for you that the chief’s at his daughter’s wedding. He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.»
«Don’t count on it,» answered the fellow in the cell. «I’m the groom.»

*speed v. — мчаться, ехать очень быстро
*cool someone’s heels — (досл. охладить кому-то пятки) охладить пыл

Mother’s view

As the family gathered for a big dinner together the youngest son announced that he had just signed up at an army recruiter’s office.

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation.

«Oh, come on, quit joking,» snickered one. «You didn’t really do that, did you?»
«You would never get through basic training,» scoffed another.

The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him.

When she finally spoke, she simply asked, «Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?»

Joe is sick

A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside.

One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was about 25 feet behind filling in the old.

«Hold it, hold it,» the fellow said to the men. «Can you tell me what’s going on here with this digging?»

«Well, we work for the county government,» one of the men said. «But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. You’re not accomplishing anything. Aren’t you wasting the county’s money?»

«You don’t understand, mister,» one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. «Normally there’s three of us, me, Joe and Mike. I dig the hole, Joe sticks in the tree and Mike here puts the dirt back.»

«Yea,» piped up Mike. «Now just because Joe is sick, that doesn’t mean we can’t work, does it?»

***

A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer.

The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and asked,
«How do you handle the situation when you are asked for advice during a social function?»
«Just send a bill for such advice» replied the lawyer.

On the next morning the doctor arrived at his surgery and issued the ulcer-stricken man a $50 bill.

That afternoon he received a $100 bill from the lawyer.

***

A renowned philosopher was held in high regard by his driver, who listened in awe at every speech while his boss would easily answer questions about morality and ethics.

Then one day the driver approached the philosopher and asked if he was willing to switch roles for the evening’s lecture.

The philosopher agreed and, for a while, the driver handled himself remarkably well.

When it came time for questions from the guests, a woman in the back asked,

«Is the epistemological view of the universe still valid in an existentialist world?»

«That is an extremely simple question,» he responded. «So simple, in fact, that even my driver could answer that, which is exactly what he will do.»

***

A porter in a British hotel comes upon an American tourist impatiently jabbing at the button for the lift.

«Sir, the lift will be here in a moment.»

«Lift? Lift?» replies the American. «Oh, you mean the elevator.»

«No sir, here we call it a lift.»
«Well, as it was invented in the United States, it’s called an elevator.»

«Yes sir, but as the language was invented here, it’s called a lift.»

***

The manager of a large company noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

«What is your name?» was the first thing the manager asked him. «John,» the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, «Look, I don’t know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name.
It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only — Smith, Jones, Baker — that’s all.
I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?»

The new guy sighed and said, «Darling*. My name is John Darling.»

«Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is…»

*darling — милый, дорогой, милашка

 

If  Only Men Would Listen…

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same road.
As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, «PIG!!!»
The man immediately leans out his window and replies, «BITCH!!!»

They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig wandering in the middle of the road…

A true story told by travel agent

A woman called and asked,
«Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who’s luggage belongs to who?»

I said, «No, why do you ask?»
She replied,
«Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight, is there any connection?»

After putting her on hold for a minute while I «looked into it» (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained, that the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

An engineer, a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all times.

The engineer chose the wheel, which gave humanity power over space. The physicist chose fire, which gave humanity power over matter.

The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle*.

«Why a thermos bottle?» the others asked. «Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer.»

«Yes — so what?» «Think about it.» said the mystic reverently*. «That little bottle — how does it know?»

Breaking the Rules

«The female dormitory* will be out-of-bounds* for all male students, so too the male dormitory to the female students.

Anybody caught breaking this rule* will be fined* $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.

Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?»

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, «Er…* How much for a season pass?»

*dormitory — общежитие, спальня
*out-of-bounds — разг. вне пределов чего-л.
*breaking this rule — нарушающий это правило
*will be fined — будет оштрафован
*er — довольно употребительное междометие, выражающее колебание, нерешительность

What’s up? 

There is a two-letter word that perhaps has more meanings than any other two-letter word ..
… and the word is «UP.» If you are not confused after reading this you must really be messed «UP.»
It’s easy to understand «UP», meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list but when we waken in the morning, why do we wake UP?
At a meeting, why does a topic come UP? Why do we speak UP and why are the officers UP for election and why is it UP to the secretary to write UP a report?

We call UP our friends, we use it to brighten UP* a room, polish UP the silver, we warm UP the leftovers and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and some guys fix UP the old car.

At other times the little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses. To be dressed is one thing but to be dressed UP is special, and this is confusing.

A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning but we close it UP at night. We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP.

To be knowledgeable of the proper uses of UP, look UP the word in a desk size dictionary, UP takes UP almost 1/4th of the page and can add UP to about thirty definitions.

If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.

When it threatens* to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out we say it is clearing UP. When it rains, it wets UP the earth. When it doesn’t rain for a while*, things dry UP.

One could go on and on, but I’ll wrap it UP, for now my time is UP, so I’ll shut UP…

Job Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources person asked a young applicant fresh out of Business School, «And what starting salary are you looking for?»

«About $125,000* a year, depending on the benefits package.»
«Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years — say, a red Corvette?»

The applicant sat up straight and said, «Wow! Are you kidding?»

And the interviewer replied, «Yeah, but you started it.»

«A brave man»

A husband and wife entered the dentist’s office.

The husband said, «I want a tooth pulled. I don’t want gas* or novocain because I’m in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.»

«You’re a brave man,» said the dentist. «Now, show me which tooth it is.»

The husband turns to his wife and says, «Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.»

Guess the letter!

Question: What letter of the English alphabet is an insect?
Answer: B.

Q: What letter is a part of the head?
A: I.

Q: What letter is a drink?
A: T.

Q: What letter is a body of water?
A: C.

Q:What letter of the English alphabet is a vegetable?
A: P.

Quit smoking

A young man at a New Year’s party turns to his friend and asks for a cigarette.

«I thought you made a New Year’s resolution to quit smoking,» his friend says.

«I’m in the process of quitting,» the guy replies. «Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.»

«And what’s phase one?»
«I’ve quit buying.»

 

How much is the parrot?

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot.

The shop owner points to three identically looking parrots on a perch and says: «The parrot on the left costs $500.» «Why does the parrot cost so much?», asks the guest.

The owner says, «Well, the parrot knows how to use a computer.» The man then asks about the next parrot. He is told that this one costs $1000, because it can do everything the other parrot can do, plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot. He is told that it costs $2000. Needless to say this begs the question*, «What can it do?» To which the owner replies, «To be honest I have never seen it do a thing, but the other two call him boss!»

Night Call

«What time does the library open?» the man on the phone asked.

«Nine A.M.» came the reply. «And what’s the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?»

«Not until nine A.M.?» the man asked in a disappointed* voice.
«No, not till nine A.M.!» the librarian said. «And why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?»

«Who said I wanted to get in?» the man at the other end of the wire sighed sadly. «I want to get out.»

Sport number one

An American woman, while touring a small South American country was shown a bullfight*.

The guide* told her, «This is our number one sport.»

The horrified woman said, «Isn’t that revolting?»

«No,» the guide replied, «revolting is our number two sport.»

Spell the word

Teacher asks the student:
«What is your aim in life*?»

«To become a psychiatrist», the student replies.

«Very good», the teacher says,
«Now would you please spell the word psychiatrist.»

After some hesitation the student replies: «Well, I mean I want to be a doctor, sir*. D-O-C-T-O-R.»

 

 Too hot!

A customer was bothering* a waiter in a restaurant.

First, he asked that the air conditioning be turned up because he was too hot, then he asked it be turned down cause* he was too cold, and so on for about half an hour.

Surprisingly, the waiter was very patient; he walked back and forth and never once* got angry. So finally a second customer asked him why he didn’t throw out the pest*.

«Oh, I really don’t care or mind,» said the waiter with a smile. «We don’t even have an air conditioner.»

 

Shredder*

One day a secretary is leaving for her lunch break, and she notices her boss standing in front of a shredder with a clueless* look on his face.

The secretary walks up to him and asks if he needs help.

«Yes!» he says looking and sounding relieved*, «This is very important.»

Glad to help, she turns the shredder on and inserts the paper.
Then her boss says, «Thanks, I only need one copy.»

Skipping Diet

A blonde was terribly overweight, so her doctor put her on a diet.

«I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds*.»

When the blonde returned, she shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. «Why*, that’s amazing!» the doctor said, «Did you follow my instructions?»

The blonde nodded. «I’ll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day.»
«From hunger, you mean?»
«No, from skipping.

 Odd excuses

The general went out to find that none of his GIs* were there. One finally ran up, panting heavily*.
«Sorry, sir! I can explain, you see I had a date* and it ran a little late. I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab* but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran10 miles, and now I’m here.»
The general was very skeptical about this explanation but at least he was here so he let the G.I. go.
Moments later, eight more GIs came up to the general panting, he asked them why they were late.

«Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but it broke down, found a farm, bought a horse but it dropped dead, ran10 miles, and now I’m here.»

The general eyed them, feeling very skeptical but since he let the first guy go, he let them go, too.

A ninth GI jogged up to the general, panting heavily. «Sorry, sir! I had a date and it ran a little late, I ran to the bus but missed it, I hailed a cab but…»

«Let me guess,» the general interrupted, «it broke down.»
«No,» said the G.I., «there were so many dead horses in the road, it took forever to get around them.»

Change for a dollar

An admiral is standing by a candy machine at the NavalAcademyin Annapoliswhen he stops a plebe* walking by.

«Sailor, do you have change for a dollar?»

«Sure, buddy,» says the plebe, rooting around his pocket.

«That’s no way to address an officer! Now let’s try it again. Do you have change for a dollar?»

The plebe snaps to attention* and barks*,
«No, sir!»

*plebe (разг.) — новичок, первокусник в военной или военно-морской академии.
*snaps to attention — вытянулся (досл. щёлкнул) по стойке смирно.
*bark — лаять, здесь громко рявкнуть.

Stupid Thing

A couple was going out for the evening. The last thing they had to do was to put the cat out.

The taxi arrived, and as the couple walked out of the house, the cat shoots back in. So the husband goes back inside to chase it out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house would be empty, explained to the taxi driver «He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.»

A few minutes later, the husband got into the taxi and said, «Sorry I took so long, the stupid thing was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!»

*shoot — здесь, конечно, не стрелять, а бросаться.
*Sorry I took so long — извините, что я так долго.

 Weaker Sex?

Little Pete came home from the playground with a bloody nose, black eye*, and torn clothing.

It was obvious he’d been in a fight* and lost. While his father was patching him up, he asked his son what happened.

«Well, Dad,» said Pete, «I challenged* Larry to a duel. And, you know, I gave him his choice of weapons.»

«Uh-huh,» said the father, «that seems fair.» «I know, but I never thought he’d* choose his sister!»

*black eye — синяк (фингал) под глазом
*fight здесь — драка
*challenge to a duel — вызвать на дуэль
*he’d = he would

 

1000 Valentine cards

A guy walks into a post office to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing «Love» stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.

His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says, «I’m sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, ‘Guess who?'»

«But why?» asks the guy.
«I’m a divorce lawyer,» the man replies.

*curiosity getting the better of him — любопытство сильнее него

Big Fish*

The family were seated at the table with a guest, who was a business acquaintance of Dad’s, all ready to enjoy the meal, when the five-year-old son declared:

«Why*, this is roast beef!»
«Yes», answered the mother, «what of it?»

«Well, Pop said this morning that he was going to bring a big fish home for dinner tonight».

*big fish — речь здесь идет, конечно, не об обычной рыбе, а скорей об акуле бизнеса.
*why — в данном случае «why» используется вместо обычного сорняка «well». На русский это иногда переводится как «ну», «пожалуй» или никак не переводится и используется просто для привлечения внимания или обдумывания очередного высказывания.

Applied psychology*

A college student was delivering pizza to a regular customer’s house in New York.

The guy who answered the door* asked him, «What is the usual tip?»

«Well,» replied the youth, «this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter* out of you, I»ll be doing great.»

«Is that so?» snorted the man. «Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here»s five dollars.»

«Thanks!» replied the youth, «I»ll put this in my school fund.»

«What are you studying?» asked the man. The lad smiled and said:
«Applied psychology.»

*psychology — обратите внимание на произношение слова «психология» по-английски
*answered the door — здесь — открыл дверь
*quarter — четвертак (монета в 25 центов)

Bean soup 🙂

«Waiter, what is this?»

«It’s bean soup, Sir»

«I don’t care what it’s been, I wonder what it’s now!»

*waiter — официант
*bean — фасоль, боб
*been причастие-II глагола «to be» — «быть»

 

Management Lesson

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, «I’ll give you $800 to drop that towel.» After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds of enjoying the show, Bob hands her $800 and leaves. The woman wraps herself into the towel again and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, «Who was that?» «It was Bob the next door neighbor,» she replies. «Great,’ the husband says, did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?»

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent* avoidable exposure.

*in a position to prevent — (вариант перевода) в состоянии предотвратить
*Интересно, что одно из значений слова «exposure» — «разоблачение», ведь в русском языке слово «разоблачение» имеет как минимум 2 разных значения…

 

Fascinate!

A third grade teacher asked her students* to use the word «fascinate» in a sentence.

Molly said. «My family went to the New York City Zoo and It was fascinating to see all the animals.» The teacher said, «That was good, but I wanted you to use the word «fascinate».

Sally raised her hand. She said, «My family went to the Statue of Liberty and I was fascinated.» The teacher said, «Well, that was good, Sally, but I want the word ‘fascinate.'»

Little Johnny* raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language, but surely he couldn’t damage the word «fascinate,» so she called on him.

Johnny said proudly, «My sister has a sweater with ten buttons, but her boobs* are so big, she can only fasten eight (fascinate).»

The teacher fainted……….!!!

 

*Students — именно так называют учеников в американских школах
*Little Johnny или просто Johnny — это аналог нашего Вовочки
* «Boobs» я перевел как бюст, чтобы не выйти за рамки приличия хотя бы по-русски 😉

 

The Strong Man

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging* that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength.

He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough.

«Why don’t you put your money where your mouth is*,» he said. «I will bet a week’s wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won’t be able to wheel back.»

«You’re on, old man,» the braggart replied. «Let’s see what you got.

«The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, «All right. Get in.»

*was bragging — хвастался
*put your money where your mouth is phr. — меньше слов, а больше дела; вариант: меньше говори — выкладывай денежки

 

Who can vouch* for you?

A man wrote a letter to a small hotel in aMidwesttown he planned to visit on his vacation.

He wrote: «I would very much like to bring my dog with me. He is well-groomed and very well behaved. Would you be willing to permit* me to keep him in my room with me at night?»

An immediate reply came from the hotel owner, who said, «I’ve been operating this hotel for many years. In all that time I’ve never had a dog steal towels, bedclothes, silverware or pictures off the walls.
I’ve never had to evict a dog in the middle of the night for being drunk and disorderly. And I’ve never had a dog run out on a hotel bill.

Yes, indeed, your dog is welcome at my hotel. And, if your dog will vouch for you, you’re welcome to stay here, too.»

*vouch — ручаться, давать рекомендацию
*обратите внимание на ударение в слове «permit» в глаголе оно падает на второй слог, а в существительном на первый.

 

Sense of humor…

The boss returned from lunch in a good mood and called the whole staff in to listen to a couple of jokes he had picked up.

Everybody, but* one girl laughed uproariously*.

«What’s the matter?» grumbled the boss. «Haven’t you got a sense of humor?»

«I don’t have to laugh,» she replied. «I’m leaving* Friday.»

*but — здесь: кроме
*uproariously — бурно, шумно, громко
*leaving — здесь: увольняюсь

Stop being late!

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn’t do something about it.

So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed.

Tom slept well and in fact beat* the alarm in the morning by almost two hours. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work.

«Boss», he said, «The pill actually worked!»
«That’s all fine» said the boss, «But where were you yesterday?»

*beat — здесь (досл.): побить, обогнать, победить

 

Why did you make her so stupid?

Man says to God:

«Lord, why did you make woman so beautiful?»
God says: «So you would love her.»

«But Lord,» the man says, «why did you make her so stupid?»

God says: «So she would love you.»

Обратите внимание на перевод выражений «So you would love her» и «So she would love you.»

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